If you are reading this, you are a #complete #brain-dead #moron 🙂
Let me guess, first your eyelids will open wider and brain will scream WHAT! 😉
Your brain will have seen the “#”s but it will not register it with your consciousness yet. ‘WHAT!’ :=)
Let me make it simpler for you. If you love cosying around with a book and are an avid books/ magazines reader, or you learn or create music, or you write fantasy, or (ah! screw it) do anything that gives you happiness slowly and steadily (repeat: slowly and steadily) so you have time to savour the happiness and bask in it, do yourself a favour.
GET OUT of Twitter.
SAVE yourself: click that X on top right hand corner of your twitter window RIGHT NOW and go back to what you are doing. Go back to Facebook. Go back to your books. Go back to your idyll.
I am waiting. Confirm back once you are done.
Oh! You still here. Damn you, Ghost Rider! 🙂
You have just made a contract with your soul to sell a part of it in return for enormous amount of
• fun, pun;
• love, shove;
• indifference, indulgence;
• intelligence, brainlessness;
Are these words rhyming by themselves? Holy gawd! Let me get some more then.
• hard-line, soft-line; panty-line, chaddi-line, body-line;
• nationalism, feminism, masculinism, LGBTQism,
• vagairah वगैरह, va-gyarah, va-barah, va-terah…this flow… Aaargh! (Roll your eyes here. Come on. Do it once. In Twitter, you will need it a lot of time and it also strengthens your eye muscles.)
Ok, you are in. Bear in mind, you lovely rebel, you are entering Kurukshtera (or if it sparks, SPARTA). What must you do?
1. Twitter will offer to recommend users from your phone contact list. Unless, they are your real close friends who have inducted you to Twitter, DON’T follow them.
2. Once you follow your friends, Twitter will read their ‘follows’ and recommend more. DON’T follow them.
They are all useless. So, what should you do? Start typing @smnayak in the right hand top “search” field and when the page loads, follow immediately. Don’t hesitate. I am a #moron but I have learnt my lessons and I will walk you through. 🙂
3. Make a list of your interests. These won’t matter in a few days but make them nevertheless. I will explain later.
Question: Shall I then go to Google and if I have some exotic type interest like “Pescetarianism” or “pogonotrophy”, type “pogonotrophy + Twitter + top + handles”?
Answer: Frankly, if you have really exotic hobbies like those, you aren’t human; you are a demigod and in Twitter, no one gives a rat’s arse for these. But, typing that search string in Google will drive Google nuts. It will give 2 million search results and handhold you into the jungle to die to resurrect again. Every site of some repute starting from Mashable, Huffpost, Buzzfeed, and even news (or rather views) vendors like CNN, ABC, etc., will have a page of ‘25 top handles in Pogonotrophy’. This will drive you nuts.
So, what the hell should I do?
4. Water down your interests. You will discover handles as you go deep into Twitter. I am tricking you here. I am going to drag you into a cesspool and wade with you there.
Ok, let’s get started.
Know that there are 5 types of people in Twitter. As follows:
a. Anda (अंडा)
b. Gainda (गैंडा)
c. Gunda (गुंडा)
d. Bonda (बंडा)
e. Funda (फंडा)
Don’t get hassled by the words. Let me explain. The sequence from a to e reflects the evolution of Twitter human; as follows:
Anda (अंडा) means ‘egg’. Normally, they are people starting out in Twitter or very private people who don’t upload their pictures in the area meant for DP or ‘display picture’. Standard trait is very low number of followers which means what they say or whenever they do, doesn’t matter to Twitterati. This is the first step to evolution.
Tip for you: Find your loveliest picture and upload it into your DP.
Gainda (गैंडा) means Rhinocerous. Rhinos, typically brawny and self-assured, these cantankerous beasts allow nothing to stand in their way. Unaccountably mistrustful of strangers, rhino personalities perceive themselves to be gentle and reasonable, but even they acknowledge that their periodic bouts of rage need to be brought under control. They are building their base (translates to following more than 3 times random twitter users than are following them). They see random tweets and in a stinky immature way, rage at every tweet they come across. They have a DP but they have a pathetic bio below their DP: for example- “Jack sparrow’s Ptolemic gravitational Black hole, anti-rabies vaccination, tweets are personal”. When you read these, you want to kick them hard in their balls and incapacitate them for life. But, wait, the moment you do it, they will rage, pull you into their muck and beat the blues out of you. Just ignore them and move on. They will evolve or perish.
There is also a second sub-category here. They are mostly real-estate vendors, flower vendors, pornography vendors, etc. who peddle their wares on Twitter. They will follow you using third-party Twitter tools. If you follow them back, after couple of days, they will unfollow you. Their primary objective is to increase ‘follower’ count while reducing their ‘following’ count to maintain a following to follower ratio below one third as is a ground rule in Twitter.
Tip for you: From your watered down generalised tastes and interests mentioned above in point 4, pick simple words and be nice. Instead of writing “Expert in Pogonotrophy”, write: “I groom facial hair and love doing it”. Since humans are inherently loving and simple in nature, they will like the bio and will make time to read your tweets. I will explain this when I come to “Funda” below. And don’t follow any Tom, Dick, or Harry vendor peddling stuff on Twitter because when you sanitise your following to follower ratio, you will go nuts and question your own intelligence.
Gunda (गुंडा) means a ruffian, scoundrel, hooligan, (go on… bring out the best swear words you have and use them here). These are the semi-evolved Twitterati. Because they are evolving from ‘Genda’ mode, they still hate as if there is no tomorrow, mostly without logic, are extreme in their points of view, and will beat down anyone who doesn’t agree to their points of view. They will openly abuse you and be unapologetic about it. They will use all kinds of hate arsenal and implement them with such impudence, you will start doubting whether your own birth was a mistake. These are the most unreasonable, hardened, and volatile of all users.
Tip for you: The moment you come across them, block them or report them. Right click on their user name and you will see these options staring at you screaming ‘pick me, pick me’. Make your pick and move on.
Bonda (बंडा) is deep fried savoury snack stuffed with potato spices mixture. Aloo bonda is crispy outside and soft inside and is consumed when you need a fun break from your mundane life. These users are the ones who keep the life alive in Twitter. They post memes, comic tweets, intelligent pertinent jokes, and satire of good quality. These users are normally the creative lot on Twitter.
Tip for you: Follow their timelines and if you like their tweets, follow them instantly. They will guarantee the much needed laughter in your life.
Funda (फंडा) is a short slang for ‘fundamental’ meaning the basic tenets. These users are the most mature and well-read. They take their own sweet time to research well and position their views on their choice of topics whenever they like or when the need arises. They are prudent and well-behaved most of the times and contribute to the much needed IQ and EQ on varied topics in Twitter. So deep is their research, they will make you unlearn what you learnt in your structured education through school, college, university and provide you with knowledge and wisdom you will cherish: and do so very systematically and with loads of patience
Tip for you: Follow their timelines and if you like their tweets matching your areas of interest, follow them instantly. They will guarantee fulfillment of the much needed knowledge gap in your life. Remember, never hesitate to follow them ever. This is where you want to be if you want to be. So, get on to reading more books, try to build your truth and be clear on it before you tweet. Remember, Twitter is SPARTA and there will always be someone who will beat the shit out of you if your research is inaccurate. The Bigg Boss Twitterati is always reading and watching.
I will guide you with some example handles to get a sense in my next blog. Until then, explore using these pointers.
Moreover, you will come across right-wing, left-wing, middle-wing, this-wing, that-wing, wing-wing as you waddle through. Don’t get hassled. My next blog will guide you through this maze. Until then, sit tight on your butt, have fun and tweet away.
I know you enjoyed reading this piece if you are reading this line. Retweet (RT) my tweet on this article. My followers will start following you. 😉 Here, I am tricking you again. 😉